I hadn’t heard the term “feminist parenting” until I was way
past the age of raising kids, and well into raising young adults who thought
they were well past the age of being raised. But I’ve been a feminist ever
since I can remember, even before I knew the word or grasped the full
implications of the feminist fight. I’ve never regarded myself as anything
other than perfectly capable of doing the things I wanted to do—whether it was
the short-lived dream of becoming a world renowned molecular biologist or a
drug-designing organic chemist, or the other one of writing that killer investigative
story that would win me the Pulitzer—or at maybe the Ramnath Goenka Award. And not
for a moment did I attribute not being able to do the things I wanted to do to
my gender. Looking back, of course, with a keener—and more critical eye—I can
see the points at which an unconscious response to deeply entrenched
expectations on my part and a structural orientation on the part of society,
nudged me in one way or another, or made a certain choice easier—or more
acceptable--than another.
So when my children were born, one lovely girl after the
other, there was no question that they would be raised as human beings, first,
and human beings last. This is not to say that there were no gendered
paraphernalia in their lives; given the plethora of adoring aunts, uncles and
grandparents, they had their share of little-girl gifts. At different points
they wore pink and purple and lace and frills, they fantasized about being
princesses and mermaids, they demanded Barbie dolls and glitter, which I gave
in to reluctantly and always with a bit of a deconstructive lecture. But they
also had swimming and soccer, karate and cycling, and were encouraged to climb
trees and when possible, mountains. They watched me and my husband share tasks
and responsibilities, they watched him defer to me on some things and me to
defer to him on others. Yes, we also found ourselves and our ideas often hemmed
in by the expectations of a traditional South Indian family structure, but
despite this, there were spaces for conversations that steered around and
through these constraints, acknowledging them yet offering possibilities of
resistance and change.
It helped (and helps) that they are surrounded by female
strength of different kinds: grandmothers with a strong sense of self and their
own respective passions; aunts who laughed heartily, unafraid; cousins who had
made unpopular choices and those who had adopted convention but retained a measure
of choice. And it also helped (and helps) that there were many men in their
lives who never used the words “you’re a girl, so…”.
It's never easy being a parent, and it wasn't easy for me--who had strong feelings about the ills of the world and what to do about them. It's even harder when you are constantly trying to
resist conventional wisdom while keeping the peace. I’m not a natural
non-conformist, and I hate to rock the boat…I’m the kind of person who will
nudge it sideways, a little at a time, believing firmly that the course will eventually
change.
But ideology has not really been a conscious part of the
parenting approach—although, one might argue, our political beliefs form the subtext
even of our domestic lives. They surface occasionally in our interactions with
family members, run through the arguments we have in spoken and unspoken words,
the ways in which we treat those who work for and with us, and in the manner in
which we approach the market. But I suppose the ideology would have been
evident in the books we bought for the girls, the activities we enrolled them
in, or the ways in which we dealt with the ups and downs of life, or in our interactions with people and the world.
So it was no surprise that daughter number one made choices
that were fiercely her own, challenged only in relation to how they spoke to her mind and soul rather than their “value” in the employment market, that there was no
question that she would follow her heart no matter where it took her and how
long a journey it would be. And it was no surprise that daughter number two
found her passion in sports, that there was no question that she too would
stumble through those highs and lows in her own way, that we would neither
shield her from disappointment nor set any ‘external’ standards.
What I have done is try to be (pretty much) transparent. I’ve
talked with them about my own uncertainties, frustrations, hopes and dreams. I’ve shared with them my vulnerabilities and my anger. I’ve also done things I’ve enjoyed, and taken
my space as and when I’ve needed it. But there is one thing I haven’t been able
to do, and that is, to lay down my own guilt in the face of not meeting
imagined expectations. Fortunately, though, they see the futility of that guilt
and often try to talk me out of it. It’s in the middle of those conversations
that I stop and think, “Wow, they have grown up, indeed!”
Perhaps in the final analysis, feminist parenting is really about creating a space where there is both conscience and consciousness, a space where self-concept is untethered to the limitations imposed by expectations of [gender or other] roles. It's not to say that things have been ideal. They still have to deal with the [gendered] anxieties that arise when they're out late or in unfamiliar contexts. They still need to offer justifications about being safe. But I can see that the same anger I feel simmers in them too. It's an anger that leads one to uncover narratives of oppression in popular culture and the other to rally against discrimination in sports.
But still, twenty-seven years later, when my daughter admonishes
me fondly upon my asking if my dangly earrings look “too young for me”, saying, “Ma,
what sort of a feminist are you?” it makes me smile inside.
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